“Why is he doing this?”
“She knew the rule—why did she break it again?”
“He doesn’t act like this at home…”
“Maybe if you were just a little more consistent…”
If you’ve parented—or tried to teach, serve, or support—a neurodivergent child or someone with early trauma, you’ve probably heard things like this. Maybe you’ve even said them. I have, too.
For a long time, I saw my child’s behavior as willful.
Then I learned to see it as brain-based.
Your perspective on a person’s behavior influences whether you respond with control or compassion.
Behavior Is the Tip of the Iceberg
Neurodivergent individuals often look “normal,” but the challenges they face are far beneath the surface. They’re navigating:
- Slow processing speeds
- Poor memory recall
- Sensory overwhelm
- Executive function breakdowns
- Fight/flight responses wired by trauma
It’s not that they won’t behave—it’s that in many moments, they can’t.
Take a moment to truly empathize with others. Consider the immense effort their brain exerts just to produce a response, especially when it takes them 10 minutes to process information in a world that demands quick replies of only 3 to 5 seconds. Now, imagine that same individual feeling the frustration of being criticized for their delayed response. In that moment, their sensory system becomes overwhelmed, triggering a fight-or-flight reaction that leaves them unable to think clearly. This struggle to recall even the simplest information only escalates the situation. As emotions run high, anger, hurt, and frustration spread like wildfire. Understanding this can transform how we interact with one another, fostering patience and compassion instead of conflict.
And when we overlook that, we label them as lazy, unfocused, defiant, manipulative, or oppositional. But when we understand that their brain functions differently, we can replace shame with support.
A Gospel Lens for Neurobehavioral Challenges
The Gospel doesn’t just tell us to be kind—it gives us a reason to be.
“We do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses…”
– Hebrews 4:15
Jesus is not surprised by our struggles. He understands what it means to be human—and He meets us with compassion, not condemnation.
That’s the kind of love our children need too.
When we respond with connection and compassion, we reflect the heart of Christ to kids who often feel misunderstood, unsafe, or broken.
What Can I Do Instead?
Begin with prayer. Remember, we can accomplish nothing without Jesus, so we must mirror the way He treated others. Our love for Him fuels our ability to share the love He pours into our hearts, enabling us to respond with compassion despite the feelings bubbling up inside.
So if you’re working with neurodivergent children, try incorporating some of these tips:
- Swap “won’t” for “can’t (yet)”
- Offer choices when you can, giving them a sense of control where appropriate
- Use visuals instead of verbal reminders
- Regulate yourself first (sometimes we need our own timeout)
- Speak truth over identity: “You are still loved. You are still mine.”
And above all, remind yourself of this:
You’re not failing. You’re learning. You’re growing in compassion—and so are they.
The Connected Table 
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